Things have not been going so well for me over this past year and a half. I’ve tried to keep going, keep this blog up without too much personal stuff getting in the way. With recent events, I can’t really keep that up anymore.

So, this all started last year about the time I was in the process of buying my house (a house that I didn’t really want to buy but felt like I should to make other people in my life happy – a common theme in my life). I met a guy through Twitter/Tumblr. He lived in NYC, he made me laugh, and a little Internet crush turned into a major like.

I moved into my house, our relationship got more serious. He became extremely possessive and would yell at me every time I would “talk” to someone else on Twitter or Tumblr (mostly of the male persuasion) and basically accuse me of being a whore. It got bad enough to where he not only triggered a major round of depression in my bipolar disorder, he also trigger my PTSD (which I didn’t know I had until he came along). After years of managing my bipolar without meds (for the majority of my twenties, I had been on meds and basically all they did was make me gain about 80-90lbs), I ended up having to be put back on them as well as start to see a talk therapist again. It was the talk therapist that made me realize I was dealing with PTSD.

I have never had much luck in dating. I have never had much luck in relating to other people, period, but my luck in dating has been especially abysmal. The last person I “dated” did enough damage to leave me with PTSD (and we’ll just leave it at that). So, having this person calling/texting me multiple times a day to keep track of what I was doing (and insisting that I fly out there to visit him) was not healthy. For me or him. The breaking point in this relationship came about a month into my second quarter at SCAD. Since I’m about a year and a half from getting a Bachelor’s (in anything at this point), my class schedule was intense and I was taking classes that were challenging and specifically focused on what I wanted to learn (sequential art) as I had finally gotten passed the core classes that everyone has to take regardless of their major. I was busy. And he didn’t like that. So when the final nail was hammered in, I took the advice of the “friend” I had been letting read the abusive texts/IMs* and ended it. I didn’t fight to make him understand what he was doing to me, didn’t fight to bring him back around, I just let it end. We haven’t spoken since then.

After this, I was still pretty heavily depressed. Not just because of how things turned out with NYC, but because the meds (lithium) were causing major hand tremors. This was on top of the already established pain and numbness I had been experiencing for about a year that my doctor hadn’t diagnosed and hadn’t bothered giving me any tips for pain management. It was the holiday season (November/December), I was stuck in a job I didn’t enjoy (still am), I was stuck in a house I didn’t want to be in, and I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about this except my newly adopted puppy (Toki) and my therapist.** I had/have online friends that I adore, but I always feel like I’m bothering people with my problems (I’ve always felt this way, since I was a kid) so it was hard to talk to them about anything other than how they were and what they were up to and their problems. However, there had been someone (I refer to him as Helios) through Twitter that I had a passing interest in but had kind of kept at a distance so that NYC wouldn’t yell at me for talking to him. Long story short, with NYC out of the way, things progressed with Helios.

Having just gotten out of things with NYC, and he having just gotten out of dating someone, we both decided that we weren’t looking to each other for anything serious. But feelings grew (a lot on my part), and I eventually took a few things that were said and done to mean more than he had intended them to be. We had a falling out in February (which was also around the same time I was having an adverse reaction to different meds and had to withdraw from SCAD), and I was pretty destroyed.

Months passed. I went to PAX East, met and hung out with really fun people, adopted another dog (Arya), got screwed by SCAD, fell behind on my mortgage (I should get foreclosed on any time now), started having chest pains that caused my then doctor to jerk me around and waste my money, and pretty much hit rock bottom. In October, Helios and I reconnected. I acknowledged that I loved him but that he would never feel that about me, and I would live with that if we were going to be friends. It’s hard, to suffer that kind of love in silence like that, but I trusted him more than I trusted anyone. I felt comfortable talking about my problems with him when I didn’t feel comfortable talking to others about them. He was the confidant I needed. We still had an attraction to one another, we both still cared about one another, but he was still not interested in pursuing a long distance relationship. And I made myself okay with that.

Now, because of external factors, I have a hard time with compliments. It’s not that I’m ungrateful, I just don’t believe them to be true facts. I make this known to people upfront. My not believing I’m “beautiful” or “awesome” has nothing to do with the person telling me that I am, and everything to do with me and my state of mind. I acknowledge that, yes, you can think that about me but that doesn’t mean I will automatically just start thinking that about myself. And when I tell people this, I try to make sure that they know they don’t need to tell me these things. I don’t want them to feel like I’m fishing for compliments, that I need to hear these things every day. I’m not one of those kinds of people.

Unfortunately, this is where Helios and I had a problem. He called me “awesome” after I did something for him, I made a flippant tweet about comments feeling hollow, he took offense (which, in hindsight, I can understand). From there, things spiraled. He told me that what I was feeling wasn’t genuine and that I needed to go on dates so that it would start feeling genuine. He even offered to help set me up on a dating website and to help find me dates.

As you can imagine, that did not go over well with me.

Ignoring the fact that I’m bipolar, that I operate on a gut reaction a lot of the time (i.e. ALL THE FUCKING TIME), and that deep inside my brain where things are still calm and rational I knew he was trying to be helpful and not a complete assbutt, this turn of events felt like not only was he suggesting he could pimp me out but that he was completely gaslighting me. I blew up inside. Half hurt that the person I was in love with wanted to set me up on dates with strangers on the Internet, half outraged that the one person I trusted with my entire heart would just invalidate my emotions that way (knowing full well that, because of the bipolar, I struggle with the notion that nothing I feel is real and is just an exaggeration of my disorder).

To gaslight someone is probably the most insidious and subtle way to control them, and it’s something a lot of people (mostly women, especially me) deal with on a daily basis. A lot of the time, the people doing the gaslighting might not even know they’re doing it, which is the stance I took on this situation. Doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt, but it should give you the kind of opening you need to point out that they are invalidating what you feel and telling you that you’re being unreasonable or crazy.

I tried to explain my side, explain that I knew he was trying to help but that he did it in the completely wrong manner, but I think I made things worse. People told me I just needed to stop talking to him and block him everywhere. Accept that it’s over and not coming back. So, I blocked him from Twitter. I put my notice in, so to speak, with certain people that were peripherally associated with him that I wouldn’t be doing work for them anymore because I couldn’t handle the reminder of him. I stopped following him on social networking sites. I had meltdowns at work, barely making it to the WC so I could cry in a stall without anyone seeing me. I had lost a potential love in February and I had just lost probably the best friend I’d ever had a few days ago, and I felt like it was all because I was stupid and didn’t know how to control my emotions. It left me feeling crummy inside.

I’ve been told that I need to get mad to move on, to put my emotion in art, accept it’s over and move on, and to make new friends as ways to deal with this disappointment and heartache. Which would be all well and good, I guess, if I didn’t feel guilty about getting mad, had zero drive for art after what’s happened with SCAD, and didn’t have a really hard time meeting people because of my PTSD and social anxiety. I just want to lay in bed and cry by myself, but since I’m moving back in with my parents’ I don’t have a bed or a room to be alone in anymore. I just want the world and life to stop, I want to beat myself up for being who I am (buying into the gaslighting), I just want something to go right without turning on me tenfold shortly after. I wish I could just flick my emotions off and on with a switch. I wish I were the Ice Queen I was before I fell in love with someone.

I tried to email him one more time today (he had stopped responding to me on Monday), just to try and salvage something. My feelings are valid, they are genuine, and I need him to know why what he did hurt so much. I have tried to convey that I understand he was trying to be helpful, that he cares about me, that he wasn’t trying to hurt me and be an assbutt, but I don’t think I’m doing a good job conveying the reasons why he did end up hurting me. I don’t expect to hear back from him, but I can’t not try. I always fail, but I keep trying.

TL:DR – So, with my life (as shitty and pathetic as it was) falling apart, I may not have much to post here for awhile or ever again. I don’t know how I feel about it right now. Being online and a part of an online community has not been awesome for me lately. I had been given the opportunity to write for another site, but that’s all I’ve heard on that. I just feel like walking away, going “off grid” and never coming back.

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* A few months ago, I discovered that this person was still friends with NYC, even after knowing how verbally abusive he was to me. I don’t know if he is friends with her, since she was one of the people he would yell at me for talking to, and it might have been asking too much for some loyalty in a situation like that, but that is another relationship I don’t wish to pursue anymore.

** I have never been able to stick with talk therapy for very long. If talking to people who are supposed to be my friends feels intrusive on them to me, paying someone to listen to me talk feels even worse and disingenuous. It never really helps in the long run for me.

1. I’m really not about love stories this weekend.
2. I was kinda pissed (for personal reasons) about the whole Arthur marrying someone besides Gwen. The Princess seemed like, under different circumstances, she’d be super cool. In fact, I think that because Arthur did decent by her when letting her down, she might even end up being a good ally for Camelot.
3. While I am kinda aggravated that Arthur wouldn’t believe Merlin about Inspector Lynley being a traitor, I kind sort of understand it.
4. Even though there’s been a lot of coincidences involving him and treason-y things.
5. And I still don’t get why he’s sided with Morgana.
6. Not nearly enough Gwaine (as in, there wasn’t any).

1. Okay, I liked that we got an Elyan centric ep after Gwen getting banished and all, but I don’t like that he was still one of Arthur’s knights. Why would he stay with Arthur (unless Gwen told him to)? I guess I’m more Family Before Employer in this case.
2. The fact that everyone immediately thought Elyan was acting that way because of what happened to Gwen is telling to me.
3. Still getting tired of the “Let’s keep treating Merlin like he’s dumb” bit four seasons in now.
4. GWAINE.

So, today was the first birthday for Arya Stark (of the House Big Head). I forgot about it until Petsmart emailed me a birthday coupon (because I’m a horrible pet owner & shit has just been depressingly crazy for me lately).

She’s been a challenge and I’m positive I let her get away with a metric shit ton more than I do Toki because she looks like a little teddy bear. She got to have a little “cake” (aka bacon and eggs flavoured wet food), and pissed Toki off because she was getting all the attention (he was literally trying to pull her out of my arms by her tail and legs). She makes me laugh every day, and we’re going to pick out a birthday present this weekend if I have enough money left in my paycheck after bills.

Happy birthday, my big headed teddy bear. Hope you have lots more.

1. This ep was sad!
2. I like how they handled the love triangle – I thought it was clever enough and a nice change from Gwen just being a two-timer
3. I was surprised that her brother didn’t have anything to say about her exile or what she did
4. I was also surprised that NO ONE but Merlin found Lancelot’s and Gwen’s behavior to be out of character
5. I am also also surprised that there wasn’t a roundtable before Lancelot died again (seemingly for the last time?)
6. Also, this can’t be the last time we see Gwen, can it?
7. I still don’t get why Inspector Lynley is helping with Morgana (especially when he keeps having this face moments where he seems to be leaning more toward Arthur’s side) – if this weren’t a family oriented show, I’d say it was blow jobs
8. Speaking of, I would really like to be the meat part of a Gwaine/Lancelot sandwhich. Just saying

1. This was my least favourite ep of the season
2. I really liked when Elyan stood up for Merlin and was all like, “Bitch, step off. This is Merlin and if he’s good enough for Gaius to send he’s good enough for your dumb villager ass”
3. But then they all turned on him and when things were cleared up, none of the knights apologized for how they treated him and that really irritated me
4. Almost as much as using the tired old seducer evil woman bit
5. I was really hoping that Merlin would confine in Gwen because he needs someone else now that Lancelot is gone and she’s the only choice if he can’t trust Arthur yet
6. Marry me, Gwaine.

AAAHHHH! X-ray boobage!!!!

So, after being completely blown off by my first Primary Care Physician, I got myself a new one. And, boy howdy, that woman went to town on me. She ran a butt load of tests, most of which centered around my … wait for it … chest and lungs! I know! Fucking crazy, right?

Anyhow, the x-rays looked normal (which I was so thankful to hear) and most of the lab tests she had done that came back were good. A couple of them wouldn’t have results until tomorrow or Wednesday (including checking for blood clots in my lungs and TB). My CO2 level was a bit low and my heart still had that abnormality (where it’s stopping for the briefest of moments). She’s having a cardiologist recheck that to make sure that there really isn’t anything to worry about with that. In the meantime, I’m on an anti-inflammatory and an inhaler to combat the pain and the difficulty breathing. Depending on what the cardiologist has to say the EKG and what she finds with the rest of the tests, I might have to go see pulmonologist.

I could have done backflips over this visit. She was very apologetic for not having any concrete diagnoses, but I was so glad someone finally looked at my lungs/chest I didn’t care that there wasn’t one. I was glad that the x-ray didn’t show any tumors, infections, or granules that I didn’t mind too much that my weight seems to have gone back up despite my appetite still being pretty much not there. I’m hoping that the anti-inflammatory takes care of everything because when she was describing the condition that the med is used for it sounded exactly like what I’ve been feeling these past 6 months.

I’m still not at all happy with Kaiser Permanente’s refusal to do anything to compensate me for the past 6 months, but I’m not sure what I can do about it. They’ve ignored my complaints and have done nothing to help me feel better, and I had to call up and request a new PCP after finding out the previous one knew the neurologist found nothing and felt I should be getting my chest and lungs looked at the same day I saw the neurologist. I think I should be able to line them all up, the doctor and the grievance staff, so I can throat punch each one. “Live well” my fucking ass. Kaiser Permanente is the biggest fucking scam. I strongly urge you NOT to sign up with them if given the choice. Having no health insurance would be a step up from dealing with these jack offs.

Also, I want an x-ray machine.

1. Why is Inspector Lynley helping Morgana? I mean, Arthur is the son of his sister, his actual nephew, his blood. I could understand wanting to undermine/kill Uther, but I don’t get his beef with Arthur.
2. I really liked when Gaius told Arthur that there are loads of people, of all sorts, helping him fulfill his destiny, people he’ll never know probably, and that they have sacrificed a great deal for him. I think that was something he needed to hear probably so that his views on magic would start turning away from Uther’s views.
3. Yup. Still want to have babies with Gwaine. And while I appreciated that he wasn’t the clown the writers had been making him this entire season, I still can’t believe he *seemingly* fell for Inspector Linley’s bullshit. (lots and lots of babies)

She was not happy when I dropped her off at the local Petsmart. And I was soon to find out that she had good reason to not wanting to be left there. Instead of coming out looking like a blonde Westie, she came out looking like a Schnauzer that had a run in with a weed whacker.

So, she ended up getting all her hair hacked off and I ended up chewing two managers out and getting a refund. We won’t be going back there anytime soon. Which is too bad because they had done a great job the first time she went there and her hair is weird and I have a hard time managing it on my own. Also, she hates me now.